For a man to train up a child in the way he or she should go, he must walk that way himself and come back to take the child to go with him.’ Abraham Lincoln
“Kids don’t remember what you try to teach them. They remember what you are.” ~ Jim Henson
In a world that is ever changing, globalization has transformed not just the role of nation-states, but also that of families. Children are the future of every nation; they form one of the most vulnerable and fragile sections of the society. They are at a stage where they need proper care along with accurate guidance at every step to be able to successfully master the art of living. They are easily attracted to the flamboyance presented by social media, their environment, peers, amongst others. unless proper parental guidance is given, many children will fall prey to all manner of vices and end up making errors that may impact them negatively for life.
The chart below, brings out some of the major distinctions between parenting today and years back. (Anonymous)
we see over the years, a lot of value systems have changed, while technology with all its advancements has helped improve the overall quality of man, it has also brought along with it its own challenges.
Every child is a product of the environment in which they grow up. An average child is exposed to so such much information (good and bad) right from the comfort of their homes, TV content has become more daring even for little kids. The quality and wholesomeness of cartoons for instance, has changed. Cartoons are becoming more sexualized, condoning violence, and no longer requiring children to think and walk away with some type of lesson. This shift is not only peculiar to cartoons, it cuts across all facets of modernisation as we see it today.
What then Is our role as parents?
It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken adults.” ~ F. Douglas
I love this quote by Douglas, because it brings out one important truth – that they best time to teach our kids is when they are still little.
And that is where our job comes in as parents – to lead intentionally and with example, because we may be the only example our kids see in this ever-changing world.
As parents, our children look up to us, no matter how old they grow. Our kids watch us for a living. It is their job; it is what they do. A wonderful quote says that our children will follow our examples not our advice.
There’s no running away from it. Kids mimic their parents and that includes the good, the bad and the ugly of our day-to-day behaviors. The question is not what you told them, but what examples have you laid out for them?
The concept of parenting sounds simple. Parenting by example seems like it should be such an obvious fact and a simple concept that all of us should be easily able to live by. The hard part comes with trying to set good examples consistently on a day-by-day basis amidst the daily changing values in todays world.
Parenting a child is not just about positional authority but more about influence – If the only reason your child obeys you is because of our positions as parent, then there is great danger. However, if they obey you because of the influence you have in their lives, the examples they see in you, your ability to lead yourself, then you can be rest assured that you are on the right track.
Putting it into perspective, conveying life lessons as simple as telling our kids not to lie is better taught when we our selves are truthful always. Most of us will certainly relate to this example which is popular in our culture
“Child to parent”– there is a visitor at the door asking of you
“Parent to child” – tell the visitor I am not at home
“Child” – tells visitor parent is not at home
“Parent” – happy the child has carried out their instructions.
We then wonder and get angry in the future when this same child lies to us, yet we forget we taught the child to lie for us, so naturally the child sees this as the parents’ endorsement of lying.
Another illustration is when we advice our kids not to use foul language, yet for every sentence we make, it is filled with unprintable words…
While there are many things (negative and positive) that compete for our children’s attention, many things they emulate freely from friends, social media, movies etc.…. our examples as parents may be the only guiding light they may ever find in this changing world, hence the need to be intentional about setting good examples daily.
Let us know every good and bad character is taught by example –
Godliness or ungodliness,
Orderliness or disorderliness
Use of seasoned or vulgar words
Prudence or wastefulness
Respect or disrespect
Humility or pride
Hard work or laziness etc.….
How to show good example
To lead by example means to guide your kids through your behavior instead of your words. Your intention is to inspire them to copy your behavior. The opposite of leading by example is to say one thing and do another. The saying “do as I say, not as I do” may have worked in the past, but it has no place in today’s world. It is you modelling the behavior you want to see in your children. This involves amongst other things:
- Acting With Integrity.
- Demonstrating Competence.
- Apologising to your kids when you make a mistake
- Motivating and supporting your children. …
- Taking responsibility
- Listening to your children.
- Taking care of yourself.
The foundation of effective parenting is leading by example. When children observe how we treat them and others, they learn how to behave. As parents, we are responsible for modeling self-respect and respect for others. When we treat children with respect, they learn to treat themselves and others respectfully. Our body language, facial expressions, the tone and volume of our voice, threatening violence, withholding affection, rejecting behavior, using demeaning words or physical punishment definitely impact a child’s self-esteem and can teach them aggressive behavior.
As I round up, I want to communicate a true story. Years ago, back in Nigeria, I was talking to a teen, and I told her she looked so much like her mum. When I made that statement, I made it from the perspective of physical appearance, because the girl resembled her mum, but no sooner did I make the statement, I noticed the countenance of the girl changed immediately to a frown and she told me in these words, “ma please never say I look like her again. As a matter of fact, I hate her. I was speechless at first, and then prodded her further, reminding her that hate is a strong word while trying to find out why she hates her mum. She opened up to me and told me a lot of things about her mum. I talked to her about changing her perception and not letting bitterness rule her mind in spite of the actions of her mum.
This incident left a great impression in me – and this is the lesson I learnt from it – that while we may give instructions to our kids on what to do, they look more to our behaviours and that forms their perception of us. Unfortunately, where wrong examples have been set, it may lead to ill feelings as exemplified by this young lady and may cause divisions in the household.
In conclusion, I will leave us with this great quote by Kevin Abdulrahman
It’s not easy to be a parent.
It’s hard work.
As parents, you want to have the best for your kids. And I get that.
But understand, that if you’re a parent who smokes, quit telling your kid that smoking is bad. If it’s bad, then why are you smoking?
You want your kids to read? Then let them see you read.
You want your kids to eat well? Let them see you eat well.
You want your kids to be active? Let them see you be active.
You want your kids to work hard? Let them see you work hard.
You want your kids to treat people with respect? Well, how about you show them how you treat people with respect.
You want your kids to grow up being loving and caring towards others? Let them see you be loving and caring to your partner.
You want your kids to try and fail? Let them see you failing and being ok with it.
You want to teach your kids the attitude of never giving up? Well, how about you show them, so they see it, that you, never give up.
You want your kids to give it their best in life? Well, let them see you give it the best in your life.
Stop telling your kids what to do. They’re not listening.
Your kids don’t care about what you have to say. They’ll simply look at what you’re doing.
So, if you want to teach your kids anything that you deem to be valuable.
Stop talking. Start doing.
Lead by example.
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